I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
