People with herpes should wear stickers.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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