I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
