Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Randomize
