You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Randomize
