i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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