I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
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