Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
