there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
