Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
