what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
