just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
