The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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