grandma shit on top of the toilet
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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