he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
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Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
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I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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