One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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