Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
