I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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