Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize