i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
