You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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