true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
You smell like stripper and shame
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Randomize
