Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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