Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
