I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
