Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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