Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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