PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
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A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
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This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
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