And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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