Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
