dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
