I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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