i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
