I got chris browned last night
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
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