I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
