I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it