Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.