a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
His hands were made for my vagina.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
