I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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