Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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