I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
