my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Randomize
