If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
