never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
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My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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