Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
