I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
