He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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