I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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