she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
