On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
