At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
