I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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