dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I deserve this hangover.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
