the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
