Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
