I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Randomize
