im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
the night ended with taco bell and tears
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I'm really busy with my period
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