I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I accidentally burped into my bong.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
