The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Randomize
